LINDON DODD: I have to find the haystack, then the needle | Opinion


“I like glasses to suggest intelligence instead of broken eyes!” – Jonathan Vinson

I had one of this kind of afternoons that everyone probably has, but no one knows.

I was getting ready to do my daily push-up regimen. I say daily, but every once in a while I can skip a day or two and then start a new chain in a row.

Anyway, the only reason to tell you is that when I do my push-ups, I take off my glasses. When I say glasses, I might as well say I’m removing my eyeballs.

My vision without being corrected would rival that of a troglodyte bat. If I had removed my glasses and stood 10 feet in front of a mirror, I wouldn’t be able to identify with certainty if I was under oath in court.

So, regularly, I would put down the glasses and go to the floor. After my quick workout, I was trying to catch my breath. As Donovan once musically proclaimed, “Ah, but I might as well try to catch the wind!”

Senior moments is such a cruel and stereotypical description that I almost hesitate to use it. Just say that I am no stranger to the definition and / or the working context of the concept! I have no idea either. Sometimes the words are just typed.

Suffice it to say that a futile attempt by definition could be defined as someone without their glasses looking for their glasses. Sorry, I refuse to accept that I need a 1950s School Librarian Neck Chain so I don’t lose my glasses. I don’t refuse to accept that maybe it’s time to wear one. I refuse to add another old-fashioned statement to my once trendy and suave wardrobe. Nowadays, a robe and slippers can be considered proof enough to brag to someone that it counts as dressing for the day.

I know what you are all wondering right now: boxers or briefs?

I wasn’t looking for a needle in a haystack – I said I couldn’t see the haystack. My eyes have always been bad. In the second year, we had an eye exam. To my knowledge I was 6 or 7 years old and I had never been. Some people thought I was a teacher’s pet because I was sitting in the front row. Heck, she wrote in letters two feet high on the board, and I had to be within six feet to read them.

I admit that I’m a pretty good student and probably sucked in by the teachers.

I had glasses and thought I was reborn. The earliest I can remember it was an optometrist who told me that in one eye I had 20/200 vision. If my math is right, it’s about 10 times worse than someone with 20/20. I looked for it. I was considered to have what is called a “severe visual impairment”.

And when it comes to night vision, 20/200 would be considered eagle eyes. If I was somewhere after dark and misplaced my glasses, I would just have to camp there until dawn.

This first pair of glasses was black, chunky rimmed, and had lenses the size of the bottom of old glass Coca Cola bottles – you know the ones we used to pick up on the road and get a dime each. at the store . When I was a kid it was like the California Gold Strike. I could walk a mile and swap enough bottles to go shopping at the Lawler General Store on Allison Lane.

And by groceries, I mean buying candy in bulk.

Anyway, since my sophomore days, glasses are now almost a status symbol. My new prescription pair are Ray Bans. They have super thin bifocal lenses, super thin blue tipped frames and almost make me look totally different. I’m not Chris Hemsworth, but I think I’m the best a pair of glasses can influence given what we’re working with here.

Sorry for the detour of consciousness on the story. I didn’t mean to blame you all Robin Williams.

Where were we? I’m trying to remember. I don’t want to have to go back and read this thing again.

Oh yes! I was looking for my glasses that I had lost when I was not wearing my glasses. In case you just feel the need to know, I think the longest time it took me to find them after a set of pushups is 8-10 minutes. And yes, swearing was involved.

Since I paid three times as much for this pair of glasses as I did for my first personal car, losing them would be like losing a major financial investment in my future.

I am neither proud nor embarrassed by my story. I don’t brag about continuing to do a daily push-up regimen. I am proud, however, to continue to engage in very physical activity that does not involve growling and / or sitting.

As you can probably guess by now, the story had a happy ending. I found my glasses strewn somewhere in the living room after feeling my way like old cartoon character Musky the Mole in Deputy Dawg.

In today’s vernacular, I would be considered “visually challenged”. I suspect that the terms four eyes, blind as a bat, and Professor Gizmo are now considered politically incorrect.

I prefer the term visually enhanced. Looks like I had a widening of vision.

Future moments of a blind squirrel finding a nut in a snowstorm will again be a fitting analogy. Or, as my son likes to add with his critical appraisal of me at times when the glasses are missing, “Mr. Magoo, you did it again!”

Ah, do you remember the good old days when you could laugh at the bad sight?

About Marion Alexander

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