Coca-Cola antics have lost fans, election races, money and now respect to the drug cartels.
Pablo Escobar, known as the star of Narcos, came out of the cemetery to make a special announcement on Telemundo. He wanted to remedy the confusion between the same brand names that confused his product with an American drink.
“For years, Coca-Cola took the name of our product ‘Coke’ and called it a popular soft drink for teenagers. White male leaders saw the popularity of our drug and decided to market a similar, but safer, liquid version for young adults and children. While we initially had no problem with this confusion of names, we can no longer accept that our brand is tarnished by white males in light of recent events.
Escobar pulled out his reading glasses to list some of the atrocities Coke committed.
- Coca Cola contains too much sugar and slows down brain function and causes obesity. Our drugs promote weight loss and faster thinking speed, at the cost of strong emotions. We are still alarmed that the US government has chosen our product as harmful and illegal.
- Coke has a long history of anti-competitive practices. He sought to reduce competition through exclusivity, using economical means to force their buyers to stock only their product. This is a weak, passive-aggressive move on their part. If competing companies enter our territory to sell similar products, we do not hesitate to shoot them down.
- Coke has been accused of producing more product than their quota, thereby giving more product to their distributors and artificially inflating their short-term sales. This channel stuffing is totally unethical, especially in our work. If we were to force our distributors to carry more cocaine up their ass than they can handle, we would face legal action for organ damage and possible death in the workplace. Deaths in the workplace are only allowed for our quality assurance team and testers.
- Coca affinancially maintained apartheid in power, which is completely racist and unethical. The only white we recognize is the color of our product.
- Coke funded Republican campaigns in Georgia during the 2020 race. As we all know, Republicans are very racist towards minorities and will do anything to harm Mexicans. This is a gross insult to our employees and to our consumer base. Here we accept everyone as long as they have the money to buy drugs.
Escobar concluded: “We implore our consumers to never call our product ‘Coke’ again. We can accept Speedball. We can even accept Candy. But we refuse to harm our brand by being associated with a company. contemptible and unethical.
Escobar then finished his speech and picked up his cooler of soft drinks. He then walked into the ongoing street massacre between Colombians and the DEA, and walked directly towards one of the DEA agents. In a heroic and astonishing gesture, Escobar ended the violence by give the policeman a can of Pepsi.