Welcome back, dear customers. Now, please pay attention as we remind you of the do’s and don’ts of air travel.

We ask you at this time to ensure that your seat and tray are in an upright position. If you choose to recline your seat at any time during the flight, remember that your flight attendants are not referees. If the person behind you throws a drink at you because you’re lying down, don’t call for help. You have caused this on yourself, and the drink thrown away is karma. Accept it.

Please don’t take a shot of tequila every time the seat belt sign is on. How many times do we need to tell you this is not a drinking game?Shutterstock/Kirill Nosov

When the seat belt signal is on, you must fasten your seat belt. Insert the metal fittings into each other and tighten by pulling on the free end of the strap. Please don’t take a shot of tequila every time the seat belt sign is on. How many times do we need to tell you this is not a drinking game?

Smoking is prohibited throughout the duration of the flight. We wish we could also prohibit bare feet, any foot-related grooming, including but not limited to nail clipping, peeling dead skin, and toe picking. Unfortunately, FAA regulations did not allow us to do this.

There are six emergency exits on this plane. Take a minute to locate the exit closest to you. They’re usually easy to find because the people sitting in the exit rows look pretty smug and make you look very smug right now because they have more space. You can read the look like “I’m a better person than you because I paid $85 for three extra inches.” Perhaps you remember it from your pre-pandemic flights?

If the cabin experiences a sudden loss of pressure, remain calm and listen to the cabin crew’s instructions. Don’t use turbulence as an excuse to start chatting with the person sitting next to you. She wears headphones for a reason. Take a hint already.

Oxygen masks will fall off the top of your seat. Place the mask over your mouth and nose, like this. Pull the strap to tighten it. These are oxygen masks, so your view on wearing masks to prevent the spread of COVID-19 is irrelevant. Don’t start shouting that the CDC is making you wear an oxygen mask, that COVID is a hoax, or that you think Dr. Fauci is Beelzebub in bifocals.

If you are traveling with children, make sure your own mask is in place before helping your children. Again, these are oxygen masks. No one is trying to tell you how to raise your child. If an oxygen mask falls from above, you have more important things to worry about than what your Facebook friends think.

Conversely, don’t try to pull oxygen masks off the top if the person sitting next to you hasn’t showered since March 2020 or made the terrible decision to bring a Beef Chalupa Extreme meal (at an extra charge jalapeño) from Taco Bell on the plane.

Please refrain from kicking the seat in front of you for the duration of the flight. It’s not an FAA rule, just something you shouldn’t do. If you notice your child kicking a seat, tell them they won’t be going to Disney World and will be spending the week at Gatorland if they don’t stop immediately.

Federal law prohibits modifying, deactivating, or destroying any toilet smoke detector. You are also not allowed to lock yourself in a toilet and pretend that you are seated in first class for the duration of the flight.

A life jacket is in a pocket under your seat or between the armrests. When prompted, open the plastic sleeve and remove the vest. Slip it over your head. Loop the straps around your waist and adjust at the front. Depending on passenger behavior or alcohol consumption, you may notice cabin crew wearing life jackets throughout today’s flight. Please don’t worry. They wear them like armor to protect themselves from punches and slaps.

As a reminder, the cabin crew is there for your safety. They don’t hit the bags. We’re already understaffed, so if you hurt a flight attendant in any way, you’ll be cleaning the onboard lavatory for the rest of the flight. Good luck with that.

Please don’t hit the other passengers, you bunch of useless, dragging fingers…I mean, valued and cherished customers. TardyJet is an airline, not a “Fight Club”. We have been rated “larger than a 10 gallon aquarium” and “almost tolerable” for two years by readers of “Try ‘n’ Fly” magazine. Don’t spoil this for us!

At this point, your portable electronic devices should be set to airplane mode until an arrival announcement is made. If we catch you out of airplane mode, we’ll clear your browser history and your Wordle streak will end soon. When using portable electronic devices, remember to wear headphones. Your child may love Peppa Pig, but none of your traveling companions want to listen to the adventures of a pig that looks like it belongs on a freak show. There’s something seriously wrong with that pig.

Now please sit back and enjoy the TardyJet experience. We are now 14th in line for takeoff.


Christopher Muther can be contacted at [email protected] Follow him on Twitter @Chris_Muther and Instagram @chris_muther.

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