What would the founding fathers think?

Originalists strongly defend the vision of the founding fathers against any new information. But what about the fathers of the founding fathers? They deserve equal respect, lest we succumb to the barbarism of the new-living. The great founders inculcated principles in their few legitimate sons; our movement, Meta-Originalism, keeps the whole lineage of political genius alive. And we’re not repeating the originalists’ guessing error. Our partners at the Thiel Institute have helped us simulate the thoughts of the great founders on today’s biggest issues (or, rather, one big issue). We meta-originalists hope that politicians, jurists and the peasantry will take these words to heart. They carry the weight of history, the only force that can stop the future.

Augustine Washington (father of George Washington)

“If you had privacy rights, George would have spelled them out. This boy was born a leader, and he let all of our belongings know exactly where they were. Each hit made me more proud to be his father. His hand was made to hold a whip, and you’re lucky to taste it.

Peter Jay (father of John Jay)

“Politics! I know everything about politics. Abortion included. Abortions are very important politics. The solution is obvious, of course. Just give me a week or two to do some reading. Can I come back to you or is it urgent?”

James Madison, Sr. (Father of James Madison)

“Of course Jimmy forgot about privacy. The other drunks made him write this dead-end rag as he toured all the brothels in Philadelphia. Does it matter? Just throw it in with the Native Articles and Peace Treaties. Honestly, early drafts were never Jimmy’s strong suit. If only he had some of George’s vim. Now there is a hand made to hold a whip.

Benedict Arnold III (father of Benedict Arnold IV)

“Abortion is a mood killer. You talk like my children, always focused on the negative. “You lost consciousness” this or “you kicked a priest” that. Here are some tips you can use: The trick of life is to read the wind. Join the winners and you will always be healthier and happier.

John Henry (father of Patrick Henry)

“Patience. Biblical history shows that in times of tumult, God directly declares his will in unambiguous terms. Get rid of those judges, fold your hands and wait for fiery letters in heaven. What pure idolatry.

James Hamilton (father of Alexander Hamilton)

“Let women do what they want. If Rachel had options, I wouldn’t have had to endure my useless son’s overwritten poetry about her even more useless son. Your boy loses a duel, move on and lift the next one with a spine. A man should, at least, teach his son how to win a good draw. Ashamed.”

Deacon John Adams, Sr. (father of John Adams)

“Involving three women in the decision has already enraged God and will require serious penance. Spend your mornings praying and scourging yourselves; afternoon in thanks for not being born among the tribals. In the evening, return to the flagellation. Then you can quibble about the offspring. I suggest law school – the boy seems to like it.

Thomas Marshall (father of John Marshall)

“You quote Matthew Hale? I didn’t hang teenage defectors just to inflate English lawyers. We have our own domestic violence skeptics, why not bring them up? Try to remember what we fought for while keeping the little people in line.

George Mason III (father of George Mason IV)

“The unborn child does not own land, so be conservative in portraying it. Otherwise, you’ll make the people in the gutter whisper. On another note, I guess Sonia, Elena and Amy are now gentlemen’s names? Otherwise, we have a much bigger problem.

Josiah Franklin (father of Benjamin Franklin)

“Abortions need an internationally enforced price cap. I sponsored several, none involving my daughter-in-law. Every cent that the lightning rods and bifocals brought us went directly to the French doctors, and my savings come next.

Peter Jefferson (father of Thomas Jefferson)

“Anything that makes it easier to visit the slave quarters. I always tell Thomas that it’s a complex question – you can keep a few mulattoes around the house for novelty, but never enough to organize the terrain. I’m sure you will find a compromise. ♦

About Marion Alexander

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