Why does my husband think he would be a brilliant bouncer? I blame Liam Neeson | Zoe Williams

WWith the labor shortage in slaughterhouses posing an existential threat to the pork industry and the shortage of heavy truck drivers threatening the supply of everything, the critical shortage of bouncers seems less terrifying, because it will not let us not on our hunger. One in five nightclubs is unstaffed, and Mr. Z reflected, with his characteristic foresight, on the ramifications. Maybe some bachelor parties could come together in droves, still dressed as Vikings, for example. And once you’re allowed into a club in viking disguise, what’s stopping you from jumping over the bar and drinking vodka like it’s mead? That’s when he made the surprise announcement: he would make a really good bouncer. This is because he is so polite, and, according to him, any situation can be defused with elaborate courtesy; manners are like a fire blanket. He would be Raffles, the gentleman bouncer.

Then he said he would like to keep his regular job, so it should be moonlighting, and by that point he was far enough along in his flight to wonder how long he could work two jobs before he got off. tired. . I said it wouldn’t be a problem because of all the adrenaline pumping in the head and then we had a conversation about burnout, which is the other thing people talk about. middle-aged when they can’t imagine how badly they would. to beat all works.

It’s a weird part of the creep of age, that you think you can turn to anything. It doesn’t help to have children because they are so inconsistent. Most of the time they think you’re a total jerk, because you’re still using Facebook and you need reading glasses. Still, there remains a trace of childhood wonder, when they think you have superpowers and you could probably do a triathlon if you weren’t busy watching CBeebies. When we left during the summer, the combined ignorance of travel and the trouble of a foreign language led me to ignore a taxi driver. He was quoting us 30 euros, and I thought he was asking if there were 30 of us. I was trying to explain in French how many of us really were, without using the word “five”, which I couldn’t remember. Instead of using my fingers, I landed on this incredibly courteous phrase, something like, “We are just that, as you see before your eyes.” The taxi driver laughed and so did all his friends, but he let us get into his minivan anyway, and my son, in wonder, said, “I didn’t know you could speak French.

I also blame Liam Neeson. He only served the world a favor by inventing the genre “middle aged action hero” (not to be confused with the genre “middle aged but somehow at the peak of attractiveness. By Bill Murray). Neeson’s embodied fantasy, in the Taken kidnapping franchise, was the guy who looks like a has-been, but one in whom incredible resources of bravery and prowess lurk, waiting to be released out of necessity.

Anyone who has already started krav maga late in life, or has hurt themselves by saying: “No, no, I can lift this on my own”, or allowed themselves to be filmed behind the wheel of a heavy truck before realize that it was actually quite difficult – can trace their impulses directly to Neeson. In the Public safety interests I think he should release Taken 4, in which the same thing always happens, but he continually puts his back on himself and scolds cat and mouse climaxes at being too slow to get up. ‘a chair.

Life looks more and more like a tale of morality, a complex and epic Dickensian lesson, in which a foolish society underestimates its people for years, until a series of increasingly unfortunate events forces a confrontation with reality. Suddenly you realize that all of these low-skilled jobs are in fact highly skilled. Those people who were described by the speech as not ambitious enough were actually the ones who kept the show on the road. We will eventually gain some collective wisdom; but, inevitably, there’s a short phase of denial, in which a crowd of 50-year-olds are sitting here: “I think I would actually be good enough to pick tomatoes.” “

Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist

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